For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” #CynthiaOccelli

My husband says, ‘Tracy walking on the razors edge of Zen, is walking along the line between chaos and order, or known and unknown”. Wise words and very similar to accepting the muddy water to produce the lotus flower!

When one cracks open that seed there’s no stopping the karma of that seed. We have many seeds in our garden (mind) and for that seed to grow it must shed or die many times before it blooms into the expression of what life has planned for it: a sunflower 🌻 or an apple 🍎 

For me, throughout my lifetime I have watched and tortured myself as many seeds have cracked open, shed, grown and bloomed (resisting beyond measure, at times😅 ) to only enjoy the blossoming phase and mostly having deep aversion to the shedding and dying phase!

Slowly over many years of dharma and spiritual practice I have learnt to water my seeds with curiosity, tenderness and love. Tend to my garden with care instead of fear or aversion. I’ve got curious to who I am, what is this ego about and what would happen if I lean in and let all of life happen?

Nearly 12months ago my daughter was diagnosed with #type1diabetes and it swung our whole family into a spin! Learning a whole new way of being. That is still unraveling. Then Covid happened, I let go of my studio, I became a home school teacher, my worked completely changed and stopped, I started renovations at home to accommodate my private’s (still going😅) and I landed the biggest (my life purpose) life changing project!!!

So to say my seed cracked opened is an understatement 🤣🤣🤣

More on seeds...

Some seeds go through the process of cracking open, shedding , growing and blossoming in a minute, a season or some seeds are lifetime seeds or core seeds.

Well this seed that has cracked opened for me, started at birth. It's a core seed, one that can awaken you or send you into chaos! Whilst all seeds can awaken you, core seeds are deeply rooted, carved into so many crevices of your garden! If one can pull those roots out, it may be enough to awaken you to the truth of life or at least get moments of Satori 😇

So my last moon cycle (menstrual cycle) took me into the deepest of grief and fear ( the shedding phase) and all the old ways came up for me to numb out, go unconscious and feed this deeply ingrained pattern of previous actions of aversion and feeding the fear. They were all my childhood fears and patterns I had heart to survive. I find it so interesting how facing the fear of loosing my child, brought up my inner child's fear of death. That I had buried, but was semi living out of its filter to keep me and everyone safe.

I still get so amazed by this stuff 😂

Anyway, back to the story....Soooo, I rode the waves and sunk deep into the ocean many times, I had to, I had to feel it, know it, so I could not fear it 🙏

I literally felt many times that I was dying, so many painful physical sensations in my body and scary thoughts and emotions lifting away from my childhood. I went through different ages where I felt this pattern of "I'm in danger, I'm going to die". At times I was a newborn, a 1 year, 2 year old, 5 year old and a 9 year old ( right up to the age of where Gracie was when she was diagnosed).

I cried and cried, like never before. I felt fear and sadness without its story, just a pure emotion of energy surging through me like lava flowing out of a volcano, finally free.

Held in tenderness, seen with care and touched with love 💜

This core seed had the accumulative karma ( the perfect recipe) to crack open its next layer of the seed for potential growth and eventually to bloom. Unlike the past where I would resist, fear it and have aversion to all that is rising from this seed, I realised my awareness was stronger ( other then the times where I was being hammered wave after wave and sinking 😂) to get curious, be tender, hold in love or care for myself.

I used my practice from my beloved teachers Peter Gallagher and Pema Chodron. Mindfulness and Zen, without this practice I'm sure I'd be at the bottom of that ocean right now or numbing out with chocolate and Netflix's 😂

Here's my basic morning and evening practice:

Sitting with myself on my cushion.

Letting sounds, thoughts, emotions and physical sensations rise and watch them fall away.

To begin with I breathe deeply into my diaphragm and heart. In through the nose and out through the mouth, too acknowledge what is releasing.

What I notice as I sit with life;

I feel at peace with where I am. In the uncertainty, discomfort and fear. None of it is me, just a mere fleeting expression of phenomena. From this awareness these thoughts arise:

Who Am I?

Am I the one that notices the movement of karma or the karma itself?

Could I be the karma if I witness it?

As I move out of separation I see the truth of who I am.

Who sees? Who hears? Who feels? Who tastes? Who smells?

Can I hear the hearer? Can I see the seer?

Touching the transitoriness, the tenderness and ordinariness of life itself. In this moment I am one with life.

I sit here, with it all, breathing in and out through my nostrils. I sit for around 30mins or more some days. With the questions that arise, you are not looking for a logical answer, they're there to turn you inwards away from logical mind and to your true nature: emptiness/transitoriness/oneness.

Here I am, right here, doing my best to have the courage to watch and water my core seed with tenderness, care and curiosity. Letting the inner child crack open, shed, grow, sink at times 😆 and bloom without all the old patterns coming into so call save her!

Seeing the karma, allowing the karma and flowing with the karma. Who knows, she may finally crack open this seed and bloom into a beautiful flower 🌸 

In love and light,

Tracy x